Patience is a Virtue

November is the month I have been waiting for. I don’t really know why I waited, I’m not even sure if I have to, but I guess I just want to, because i am hoping.

He was out for almost 3 months, it was like he hibernated or something. I even thought he probably lost his cell phone, which would explain why he hadn’t message me for so long. He was reviewing for the civil engineering boards.

Yesterday, finally, I received a quote message from him. I immediately replied “Ei, musta? Taken the boards na?”. And yep, he passed. ^_^. He told me he was really avoiding the real world for the past months to focus his mind on the exams (*me sighed in relief– as I thought he had forgotten all about me*). And my joy to learn that aside from his family and orgmates, I was one of the first few people he texted, emerging from hibernation, delivering the good news. And the promises flooded again… “I”ll treat you on my first pay day”, he said. And there I go again, my heart jumping with mixed emotions. Happy for him, excited, very much looking forward to see him. It always happens when he promises to meet me. But sadly it never pushed through. 3 dates not met, the Baguio trip, UP centennial celebration, the supposed end of September gig. And here goes the first pay day treat. We’ll see…

Here are my latest quotable quotes: Absence makes the heart grow fonder & Patience is a virtue. I don’t even know what I am waiting for. I just hope it finds me…

Overwhelmed?!

After 2 months of being apart and almost the same span of time with no communication… I seem to have forgotten the feeling.. *thinking of the song, “I remember the boy, but I don’t remember the feeling anymore”* hehe…

With all the realizations pouring on me now, I would have gone to conclude that it was just a case of me being overwhelmed with much attention that I didn’t received from him back in our college days. Imagine being together for 24 days, 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, and a bonus 2 nights 3 days escapade to paradise, closer than ever, sharing one’s dreams, having the whole beach on our own for 3 days–( ok lets not do this again, hehe). Who wouldn’t fall for that? I did. And I guess now it’s all over and reality is waking me up from a beautiful dream.

At present there are much rumors that he might be – gay… I just saw his pics with our “recently OUT” friend with his other gay friend… (maybe they’re convincing him of his true nature.. haha.. Who cares about that now anyway?) Sometimes I wish I didn’t do some things that I did, *now now, like I did something unbelievably stupid eh?* (like crying every night for the whole week after the paradise escapade, realizing that the dream has come to an end) but I still live with my principles, “to forget and never regret“

Bump

Ohhh…

I was in Fully Booked yesterday, passing time while waiting for a friend. I was looking at a stack of “Twilight” books with the movie cover (instead of the original “hand holding a red apple” cover) when a person joined me in my left side. Thinking that that person might just be gazing at the “Twilight” stack as well, I continued exploring the cover. About 30 seconds later, with the aid of my peripheral vision, I realized that the person was just standing there, facing me and not the stack. Then he called out my name and voila.. It was him.

Of all people. Haha.

Destiny? Nah.

He looked neat that day, newly shaved face, him wearing his usual pair of glasses, plain white shirt, khaki shorts and a pair of sneakers.

About 5 minutes after, he left.

And 2 minutes after that, I realized that I missed him…

The Last Time

I knew it.. I knew in my heart he was never ever going to choose me….

This were the last moments…

He drove us to my house. He cooked dinner and I gladly assisted with the preparations. Picture-taking and bonding at the living room. Then it was time to say goodbye. I was at the gate. He was ready to go. As he was climbing into the driver’s seat.. The last words were, “Thanks Anairam… for everything”. As they were about to go, I retreated myself to the back of our gate, sad and teary-eyed but I didn’t close the gate just yet. I heard the engine started, for about 3 minutes I stood there waiting for the sound of the van leaving. I never peeked out again. As sure as I was that the van was gone, I looked out again and then closed the gate. And in my heart I said goodbye.

It’s Not Meant to Be…

and I quote:

🙂 nakabalik na pala si ….. sa s… di talaga kayo meant to be.

Me > naisip ko rin yan haha.

and according to the stars:

Dear Anairam,
Here is your single’s love horoscope
for Monday, October 20:

Stop thinking so much about what could have been something amazing with someone who’s no longer interested in a romantic encounter. Even though the outcome is disappointing, you shouldn’t dwell on a future that will never be. Move on.

Me > Sakto! Haha

and last but not the least, a recent online conversation with a friend:

🙂 hay alam mo nung nabasa ko ung blog mo…hindi ko alam kung gusto ko na sana magstay sya sa n…baka nga kasi mag-fall kau sabay…

🙂 basta maraming isda sa karagatan…wag nang balikan ang mga minahal sa nakaraan…hehe

Me > Wow. clap clap. and pakshet, you’re still reading my blog pala. sana dito ka na lang magcomment. Peace *******. I love you friend. haha.

When Destiny Plays…

It was approximately 2 years ago when I finally got over a 4-year long unrequited infatuation over someone (a good friend from class). It was when he finally had a girlfriend and I have learned to let go, wished him well, wished both of them happiness (genuinely) and decided that it’s time for me to shift priority to myself and find another source of happiness.

…. I have this perfect picture in mind. A dream that I put into writing in one of my journals for the past years. A beach side moment. Dusk/ sunset, walking by the beach barefoot, holding hands with my special someone. Then by night time, dinner by the beach, with torches lighting us. Guided by the moonlight, we’ll be walking along the shore. Tired of walking, we’ll be sitting in the powder white sand, gazing up into the night sky, hunting for shooting stars, wishing the night would never end …

What if that perfect scenario happens?

And it is with the very same person you promised yourself 2 years ago you’d let go and never bother to waste even a single second to think of again… (and when I say “think of”… alam na natin kung sa paanong paraan)

I just don’t get the point…

I mean, why now?… after 6 long years…

And then what? … after a month (which by this time that I reported about this matter, another 2 months has passed)…

Nada…

None.

Why does destiny have to play with your feelings like that… err…

Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me

Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice… it’s simple, her or me, and I’m sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

Here’s my case: It’s someone I really like at the moment, who is torn between 2 hospitals (both of which offers working opportunities & many good things: s..c & n…). I’m in n… His bestfriend (a girl) is in s… We’ve grown terribly close for the past month that he stayed for volunteer work at my hospital; he’s been around in s… for more than 5 months on-off, with no assurance of being hired. But currently, both opened a new job opportunity for him. And it’s up to him which one to go for and which one to sacrifice.

I know i’m not in the position to dictate to him where to go, I didn’t even bother to offer him to stay for good. Though sometimes i drop certain statements like “hindi ba ko sapat na dahilan para bumalik ka dito o bumisita paminsan-minsan?” I never convinced him to stay but I think I got the message across. Please stay, just stay here with me…

Not accepting the n… job would mean I wouldn’t get the chance to be with him (or I wouldn’t know if the feeling could be mutual), though sometimes I was thinking that it’s better without him around for that way the feeling won’t grow again, history won’t repeat itself.

In 2 days time, answers will unfold. Then we will know what destiny has in store for me..

Please stay, choose (n…) me, i know eventually you’ll learn to love me…

Why

*another song of the moment*

“Why”

Avril Lavigne

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn’t you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don’t care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you’re far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It’s not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we’re not saying
Let’s play, a different game than what we’re playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I’m gonna let us fall apart?
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even when you’re far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It’s not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you’re far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me

It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why