Archive for August, 2007

Tuesdays With Anairam

Posted in interests, me time, reviews, thoughts on August 28, 2007 by anairam

Yey. I’m back. I somehow managed to find the nearest net shop, because the virus in my PC (i think) somehow blocked me from accessing the world wide web. Wah.

Anyways, update. I’m still unemployed, currently waiting for 2 jobs to call me back, (and I hope they do. ASAP.) so I can apply to another if they don’t want me there (Err. What’s taking them so long anyway?). I just don’t want to apply here and there, what if they all contacted me, and I don’t know how to turn down a job opportunity. What if I wanted to work with these others in the near future? Would they take me with the record of turning them down before? Hay. Rivers of thoughts. It’s so hard to wait, I hope they respond soon. Pray for me.

Just found out today that my former “friends” already had their own share of first jobs. Lucky them. I had been busy for the past weeks editing my resume, inquiring on hospitals, clinics etc., applying to other jobs etc. and here I am still unemployed. I am probably the 3rd of the 3 persons out of the 25 who is still not working. Yeah, I think. 22 of us who became PTRP’s weeks ago were either already working, both on field and non-field related, others were just waiting to start but something is already in store for them. Of us 3, 2 were top notchers. Some fate. But I don’t really get all discouraged. I know there is still hope. For me. I hope.

Topic change.

I finished 2 books today. Yeah. One is “Sheila Levine is Dead, And Living in New York”. The start was fun but the end was a bit disappointing. I dunno. I somehow found something in common with me and the character, at the beginning that is, but her character gets so naughty, complicated and pretty unreasonable towards the end. I don’t think I can’t handle those things that she was able to undergo. So liberated. I hope I don’t suffer the same fate when I get to New York in the near future. Hopefully. Hehe.

(I don’t like net shops so much. Some pesky kids. Singing, shouting, talking aloud. Grade school? High school kids? But I know I have to deal with these things. It’s part of growing up. My growing up. Hihi.)

And I somehow managed to end the first book and start and finish “Tuesdays with Morrie” all in 4 hours. And I thought I’m a slow reader. Maybe depends on the book. Depends on my interest level for the day. I’m actually not a bookworm. Probably read less than 20 books (not including textbooks of course), in my whole 21 years. And I read because it’s either required (on a subject, with a written report afterwards), it’s in (but I never had read any HP and LOTR series), or if I luckily have built a certain interest over it. At least that’s some progress. Reading to tone down the feeling of waiting over work.
Anyways back to Morrie again, tears were falling, and I was just at the 3rd chapter, I think. I didn’t know where all those came from. But I love crying sometimes, over a film, with all the sympathy in the world for the characters; it’s my first time over a book. Hay.

I hope I can find a coach as that of Morrie. Mitch refers to him as such. Tears just kept flowing towards the end. Sabi nga ng kapatid ko, kapag di daw ako umiyak, di ako tao. Haha. At least. Tao pala ako. Di ko ma-explain, sa susunod na lang. Isang oras nako dito. Alam nyo na yan. Ako na nga lang ata ang di nakakabasa nito. At least ngayon nabasa ko na. Wahaha.

(Err. Pesky kids annoy me they just don’t know they do.
Gay kids. At such an early age. Tsk tsk. Nothing against gays by the way. I have my own share of gay friends. I just hate them today. PDA. Urgh. Sorry kids. It’s my first day today. Yep. Period. I hope I don’t get any red stains. Hehe.)

Yes. Today is Tuesday.

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Aloha PTRP Top __

Posted in Uncategorized on August 18, 2007 by anairam

Just wanna share some moments and my pre and post boards thingies… Looking back, I had some weird hobbies and few booboos. Hehe

  • I withdraw and became a loner during review. I often hang-out at Starbucks for the comfort and perfect ambiance it gives off when I’m reviewing. But not just there to review. It’s also a treat for the eyes. Some beatiful people hang out there. Hehe. Boy/cutie scoping. I even spotted Jomari Yllana, Robert of PBB2 and a Bianca King lookalike. Haha. A nice deviation from the toxic life of a reviewee.
  • I happen to had a chance to meet someone while reviewing. He was a co-reviewee from the same review school but from another batch. Way older, and he was already an established practitioner of the profession but had no license just yet. And now I’m wondering if he passed? Hmm. We only got each others’ surnames. I think he may already be involved with someone. He is mature, about 10 years my senior. But he shared some stuffs and we discussed and rationalized some things about the mock exams. And to think I am too afraid of discussions and me needing to explain some stuffs. I got some spurt of confidence that day. Hehe
  • I prayed a lot and passed by at least 2 churches a day. I even prayed to become Top 1. But weeks after, and as the date of exam nears, I lowered my prayers for Papa Jesus to please give me top 5. I even wrote as my cell phone greeting message, “Aloha, PTRP Top 5”. Haha. I didn’t make it even maybe to Top 20. But surprisingly, he (the one guy I always refer to on my other posts) became Top 5. Coincidence? C’mon. Of all the numbers. I immediately erased the cell phone greeting. Hehe.
  • Day before the exam itself, we were advised to cool it off, stop reviewing and relax. And yeah sleep early. To de-toxify myself and a distraction to keep my mind off reviewing, I went shopping. Hehe. For some cheap stuffs lang naman. I bought a cheap mascara and eyeliner pencil. Didn’t even exceed 50 pesos. I also went to the grocery to buy some food and thingies. Now I know why some people turn to shopping when they are depressed and stressed. It’s fun.
  • Exam day. I left everything valuable at home. I didn’t have my cellphone, and I even forgot to bring my wallet. It’s a good thing my dad dropped me off at the examination site and gave me some pocket money.
  • On the 3 days of waiting for the exam result, I became religious. I attend morning mass every 6 am. I prayed the rosary twice a day, I even read the Bible and finished browsing the whole Psalm section. But prayers at least paid off. Thanks be to God. I just wish I could keep this hobby. It’s also good therapy, aside form blogging ang shopping of course. Hehe.

Count your Blessings

Posted in friendship, life, me time, thoughts on August 18, 2007 by anairam

Hours before I wrote this post, I had a totally different perspective. Thoughts of why’s, which to no avail just puts my confidence on it’s lowdown. That sadly, why do I have to undergo decisions which puts me in a critical position. Decisions such us withdrawing from my circle of friends. Withdrawing from everyone. I pushed myself away. I did that to myself. Because of too much pressure. I suffered from a great deal of inferiority complex. I keep comparing and I suffered because of it.

That maybe I’m just not too intelligent. Not intelligent enough to answer some basic profession-related questions. Not intelligent enough to be in the list of top-notchers. Not even enough to attain an exam average comparable to those of my classmates, who are on the verge of making it to the top 10. I’m tired of being average. Trying to do something about it but my bests would always end up not being good enough.

I’m fat. Maybe 50 lbs overweight. I maybe obese. I wanted to wear lots of things that reveal something. I’ve been overweight since grade 6. I never got the chance of expressing myself very much on the outside. For the last time in college, I wanted to wear my spaghetti strap dress as it is. But my mom didn’t allow me to. She was anxious of others seeing by big flabby arms. I wasn’t. She was. I ended up wearing a bolero.

I was one of the people who was on the list of being chosen to play the role of the leading lady in a certain play we are making way back high school. I was also on the verge of being chosen as the participant of our class for Ms. United Nations. But I didn’t get those parts. Because of the weight that is. Sadly no matter how much I tell myself that it’s what inside that count most, in reality and for most people, Outside counts more.

I finally was given the chance to represent our class in a singing contest. I didn’t win. I never received any good feedback. Even from my folks. Even from my friends. I tried to audition in the annually held singing contest in high school. I didn’t even made it to top 50.

I experienced first courtship at 2nd year high school, and blew the chance. I had had been escorted to the gradball, and the guy blew the night away (in a negative way). I experienced several instances of unrequited love, and had blown a remarkable super friendship because of it. I lost a bestfriend and a love along the way. Since then nobody even noticed me. Some few, about one or two stayed for like a week and now is nowhere to be seen. Again I blew it. A chance for lovelife and a good friendship.
I finally got a circle of friends to call my own. But it ended up with me feeling that I can’t keep up with them. I graduated feeling alone. They never asked why, they never asked me back, they just let me. Be by myself, be alone. Without any confidant, without anybody to turn to but only myself and this blog and to some people who dared to notice it.

But then now, it’s just a matter of counting blessings when you’re feeling blue. Maybe I’m just a little to afraid of failures and so fail to perfectly move on. But then now, thinking about the past experiences made me think- well it could be worse.

I was able to make it to one of the top school of the Philippines. Others were proud and contented of being able to graduate in a two-year courses, some vocational courses. And they were happy. I made it to a quota course. Upper 20 percent. That is something.

Some people in Africa are very much malnourished. Some are very much obese, they weren’t may be even able to tie their shoelaces. But I can. I can dance with feelings, I can sing with feelings. Some are not even fortunate enough to be given a voice, or even a chance to be chosen in such events.

Some people maybe weren’t even courted by age 30, or 40. Others never had the chance to socialize and be around people because they are hindered by a certain condition or maybe suffering from severe cases. But I am healthy.

Fortunate to have an average, not so perfect, but otherwise healthy life. Fortunate to at least have some people around. May not be the bests, may not always be there to see my trials and happiness, ups and downs. But when I know I can’t do things alone, I know someone will be there. If only I asked for help. No man is an island. It never is a sign of failure to ask for help, it just shows that you are not perfect, and you are human.

Be thankful for what you have, and for what you are. And everytime you are feeling bad and not enough, count your blessings. It never fails.

Pagninilay ng isang lesinsyadong bata

Posted in life, me time, thoughts on August 16, 2007 by anairam

Internship. Thesis. Graduation. Review for Boards. Board Exams. Oath Taking. Then what?

The following words above were the things (in sequence) that made my life critical for the past months. It never seem to end. The hardships, trials, worries that is. The long sleepless nights, the tachycardia and pursed lip breathing. I thought that the end of one of the sequence decreases the burden, but then again, no it doesn’t. The end of one is the start of another. Lagi na lang akong hindi mapalagay. Akala ko kalmado na ko at kool lang, ngunit heto na naman ang mga panibagong pagsubok. Life is a journey. And it never ends, until well.. syempre pag wala ka na sa mundo.

Pagkatapos ng huling hamon sa buhay ko: Board Exams, akala ko ay mapapahinga ako. Binalak kong mag-enjoy, magpakasaya, mag-relax. 5 day trip to Baguio, always out 6 days a week. Naghahanap ng magagawa, pagkakaabalahan. Puwera sa pagtatrabaho. Bago ako magtrabaho.

Ngunit hindi ko natamo ang hinahanap kong katahimikan. Katahimikan ng puso, isip at buong kalooban. Kahit ilang araw lang. Sa aking pag-iisa, oo tahimik, walang istorbo, superficial silence. It’s not enough. Pumasok kaya ako ng kumbento? Haha.

Hindi ako matahimik. Lagi na lang akong nag-iisip. Ayoko na sana munang mag-isip. Ngunit ang paligid ko, dinidikta nila sa akin ang mga dapat kong pagnilayan. Ayoko na sana muna. Ngunit mahirap pigilin kapag isip mo na ang kalaban. Kapag sarili mo na ang siyang humahamon sa iyo.

Binalak ko mag-enjoy, ngunit hindi sapat ang sarili ko para masabi na tunay akong masaya. Gusto ko mang tumakbo sa mga taong tinatawag kong kaibigan, mahirap. Hindi dahil ayaw ko, ngunit dahil ayokong maging pabigat. Nais ko sanang makasama ang mga taong relax, para marelax rin ako, haha. Yung tipong sasamahan ka sa mga trip mo sa buhay, susuportahan ka sa mga ginagawa mong desisyon.

Sa totoo lang, ang puno’t dulo ng lahat ng ito ay pressure. Balak kong magsimula sa paghahanap ng trabaho matapos kong matanggap ang aking lisensya. Oo, sa katapusan ng buwang ito. Sa panahon na yoon, ipinangako kong natapos ko na sana ang mga nais kong gawin, naihanda ko na ang sarili ko sa pagtatrabaho. Dapat hindi na ko duwag. Matapang nako. Ninais ko ang isang makabuluhang bakasyon. Ngunit hindi mapalagay ang loob ko na ang mga tao sa paligid ko ay abala na sa paghahanap ng trabahong mapapasukan, sa mga panahong ito, sa mga panahong hinahanap ko pa ang katahimikan ng sarili at lakas ng loob. Nagtatalo ang puso ko sa nais kong pagplanuhan muna ang lahat (oo, one step at a time; banjing) at sa takot kong mapag-iwanan ng lahat. Nais kong gumawa ng makabuluhang bagay bago matapos ang panahon na para sa akin ay bakasyon. Ayoko rin namang maburo sa bahay, kumain, magpalaki, matulog– buhay baboy. Hindi dapat ganoon ang mangyari.

Ngunit dahil nga sa takot na mapag-iwanan, heto ako ngayon, gumagawa ng resume, naghahanap ng mga potential na mapapasukan. Ang hirap palang gumawa ng resume. Hay. At dahil dito, natatakot naman akong suungin at hindi ko maihanda ang sarili ko para sa mga papel na gagampanan ko dahil sa matatamo kong lisensya. Natatakot akong mahuli, na ang lahat ng mga kakilala ko ay matanggap na sa mga ninanais nilang karera, samantalang ako, eto, takot. Natatakot akong baka hindi ako sapat. Na baka hindi sapat ang mga nalalaman ko kumpara sa iba. Eto na naman ang sakit ko, pagkukumpara.

Sometimes you can’t help but compare. And I am afraid, very afraid that I may be not enough: not proficient, not effective, not intelligent, not confident enough.

Hay. Ako na siguro ang isang taong nangangailangan ng labis labis na booster pack– pampalakas ng loob, verbal assurance, reinforcement. Kanino ko naman kukunin yon? Nag-iisa ako. Napakalungkot. Tulong.

Alone

Posted in love, music, video on August 16, 2007 by anairam

I hear the ticking of the clock
I’m lying here the room’s pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won’t end though
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don’t know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight, oh
You don’t know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown

Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

Alone, alone

Song that currently describes my lovelife… As if may lovelife ako. hehe

Thoughts of a sympathetic friend part2

Posted in love, relationships, thoughts on August 15, 2007 by anairam

Before you proceed any further, I suggest you better read the part1 first. Hehe. But for everybody’s sake, this is just a friend’s commentary regarding love and relationships..

Just read a new post on friendster bulletin from the guy.. it read:

cge magalit ka lang… kahit d ko talaga sinadyang saktan ka, nangyari na… im not worthy for you.

I’m sorry but i guess this is the right way..

Okay, first things first. Why do they have to air the battle so publicly? Why not just talk about it and settle everything personally? Just so the whole world knows that you’re sorry but then again you’re not? I guess I’m just very much affected because it happened to a friend. Well, it could have been me, or anybody else I know and would react the same thing. The point is, with posts like that, you are putting yourself very much vulnerable to other people judging you.. like me.. for an instant, who knows you personally at some point in time. Well, again, I’m not here to bash you that much, just for the sake of a good blogging discussion.

Here goes:

  • Would you ever know if you are worthy or the right one for the person? Because he had said it so blatantly “i’m not worthy for you”. Is it for you to judge whether or not you can make a person happy? Because as far as I know, it is a person’s own decision to choose who makes her/him happy and who will be worthy of his/her love and affection.

It’s just sad that sometimes we choose not to love because we think we can’t be the right one for the person we love. Maybe because we are this and that. Lots of reasons, justifications. But I say now, why hold back? How will you ever know if you are the one for him/her if you don’t try it out? (shucks, I should be advicing this to myself). Huwag mong pangunahan ang taong mahal mo. Malay mo? Mahal ka rin pala niya?

But in this case, in a relationship, YOU do not decide what’s best for your partner. You may be together but you can’t control and hold one person’s own happiness. By cooling off with that reason, you are not justified. You don’t really know whether you were worthy for the person. Only she can decide on that. And now that you initiated the break-up, YOU can’t still tell that you are unworthy for her. Who knows? For destiny, maybe you are still made for each other. But with that attitude, you had just proven to everyone, to readers and spectators like me that you are unworthy of that someone’s love…

  • “Di ko sinasadyang saktan ka…” No, I’m sorry but you did it on purpose. You planned the break-up, you decided that it is the best, the right way. You decided alone. Being so selfish like that, not considering her feelings, the future, sinadya mong saktan siya… Tsk, tsk…

I ask this: What is anybody’s assurance that love will last? I know that love is all about taking risk, but still I don’t understand why some relationships have to end not-so-good when from the start they were assured of the risks they are taking?

Or does it depend on the person whom you are willing to take the risk with?

Well, I’m not actually talking from experience here. I maybe one of the less “experienced” person when it comes to relationships, but then again, I believe that my unbiased points of view sometimes matters. So for those who want to argue and answer questions, let me know, we may learn from each other. Share your blessings. Share your opinions and win a friend! 

If Only Guys Knew..

Posted in love, relationships, thoughts on August 15, 2007 by anairam

Got this from friendster bulletin again.. Hope guys can get something from it… And girls might get lessons and realize something from it. If only guys knew.. (then this world can be a more better place. Wahaha!)

1. That sometimes it doesn’t really matter how a guy looks, it’s the vibes that matters.

2. That most of the time, girls can’t remember how a guy really looks like, just maybe his voice…or his eyes…or his smile.

3. That if you can make a girl laugh, you are “IN”. Girls would rather spend their time laughing and talking to an ugly guy than bear with a non-interesting, pea-brained, humorless Baldwin.

4. That guys and girls can be just FRIENDS and not necessarily MORE than that. Sometimes guys are perceived only as friends and unwelcomed lovers. (But then again it can be the other way around diba? So this one is also applicable to gals)

5. That it’s not entirely easy for girls to reject guys. (True!)

6. And that it’s not the guy’s fault when he’s rejected.

7. That when a when a girl says “NO”; by golly, she MEANS it!

8. That girls don’t really appreciate being called “babe” or “chio bu” or “chickababes” or “chicks” in their presence.

9. That it’s not the girl’s fault if she’s not automatically perfect – meaning, so what if she’s horizontally- challenged? READ: Fat! (O c’mon, is this an issue? Damn. I should take my diet more seriously!)

10. That it’s a fact of life that guys mature three years behind girls.

11. That most of the time, girls appreciate it when guys act like gentlemen – like the opening-of- the- car-doors kind. (Plus points for a gentleman. But not necessarily required. –haha, talking from experience– Just be yourself!)

12. That certain girls are acutely aware when guys are teasing each other about certain girls (especially when those ‘certain girls’ are right there).

13. That when guys act like gays (as in joke around), girls get chills down their spines even if it’s all fake. (Haha, yeah!)

14. That the smell of sweat and Polo Sport combined isn’t exactly considered “SEXY”. (Ooh.. but sometimes it is.. Hehe.)

15. That it’s really impolite to stare at girls no matter how sexy or skinny the girl is. (Yeah if the guy is staring at OTHER girls… but if he was staring at you… shucks… :blushes:)

16. That it doesn’t take 2 minutes for a girl to look beautiful – it takes a much longer period of time. (Admit it, don’t you think it’s worth the wait?)

17. That when girls act really !@#$, it’s just one of those days…like a specific period of time in a month.

18. That when girls don’t say anything when they’re with guys, it doesn’t mean that they don’t know anything…or don’t LISTEN.

19. That when guys talk, girls listen; and when girls talk, they expect the same amount of interest and attention.

20. That if a guy can turn off their emotions like faucets, well…girls CAN’T!

21. That when guys say they’ll call, they’d better!

22. That tardiness doesn’t exactly make a good impression on girls.

23. That it’s impossible for girls to go to the ladies’ room alone; they have to go in little groups.

24. That smoking is tolerable, but continuous smoke being blown in your face isn’t.

25. That guys dig their own graves when they make insensitive remarks about girls. (Haha… Yeah! That’s a good way of putting it..)

26. That when guys act like complete ‘assholes’, girls almost always end up forgiving them (it’s what you call ‘compassion’) But forgiveness isn’t easy you know, you have to go through that “down on bended knees” things.

27. That maybe it’s about time guys write something about the things they wish gals knew…

A FEW TIPS: READ THIS!!!

1. It doesn’t matter how expensive a present you get her, if she loves you, anything you give will be precious. (True!)

2. Women only go astray when they aren’t getting enough of what they need from the fella back home, on the other hand, men will go astray anyway.

3. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A 5- minute call to someone who loves you is all it takes to brighten up her day.

4. When a gal tells you that she needs to talk to you, it isn’t always bad news. Women just need to talk, it’s an escape mechanism. When she STOPS talking to you start worrying.

5. When you say you’ll call, the girl expects you to call. When a gal says she’ll call, she will.

6. Women need verbal assurance more than guys do.

7. A secure woman would rather give you the benefit of the doubt. An insecure woman will make mountains out of molehills.

8. If a girl suddenly starts to ignore you, think over your actions the last 24 hours for the answer.