Archive for May, 2007

Maybe this time?

Posted in love on May 27, 2007 by anairam

Last night, it was raining hard, and i happen to received a text message from a friend saying “if you believe that happiness is all about sunshine, then nobody has told you the fun of dancing in the rain”. I find the quote quite nice and decided to forward it to some friends. I wasn’t really expecting somebody to seriously comment to it but surprisingly, some ‘special’ friend of mine from way back commented on the quote and it started a night long text conversation..

He was actually my loveteam way back in highschool.. (well, he doesn’t really know i refer to him as such).. he was a classmate, some kinda popular figure in class and in the whole school, who actually showed some little interest in me back then. And he probably is the first guy to ever show some little degree of serious interest in me. Serious in a way that he actually had fetched me home twice, and gave me balloons..and some other cheesy stuff.. Well, unfortunately, it really didn’t work out back then as i think maybe he wasn’t too serious enough, and had this really big shy thing going on within himself (‘torpe’). Being shy myself, i maybe hadn’t given him enough signals to indicate that the feeling is mutual, and when i finally had the courage to let him know that he too was my crush, i came in a little too late as a week after confessing my secret affinity for him, i found out that he was courting another girl.. And yeah, another girl from class, if you may ask. Sadly, we never became close the whole time we where teased and until we graduated from highschool.

Until 4 years later, some former classmate gave him and me each other’s number and we became constant textmates up to present.

He has a present relationship right now and i don’t meant to interfere with that. And the feelings i have today is not as that as before. Maybe i am just happy that now, we had a chance to be closer, to get to know each other a little better, even just through text message. He had asked for my advice regarding his relationship, and i happened to share some stories about my lovelife. And last night, i learned something new, it is about how boys think and how they view a relationship. Well, at least from his point of view. hehe.

Where do i see this going? I don’t know. Maybe nowhere. Or maybe this time.. woohoo.. (two old friends, meet again.. hehe)

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who invited you anyway?

Posted in Uncategorized on May 25, 2007 by anairam

You’re starting to annoy me. Why do you always have to take part in all things that matter to me. From being close to my set of friends to being “pa-close” to the people i specifically like. Who invited you anyway? Don’t you have your own set of friends? Somebody else to bug instead of incorporating yourself in a circle where you don’t originally belong? Well, they seem to be very fond of you, as you seem to be perfect, timid, pretty and modest. But still I see efforts you try to make just to fit in. Asking stories and probing into the deepest issues of my circle, just so you can start some conversations and going around people for answers. And you seem to be liking all that attention, do you? But I don’t. Call it insecurity, jealousy, but I hate the attention your getting, especially from him. And in 5 days time, I really really hope that you have not talked or texted your way into making him ask you to join him to watch that movie.. That would be so… arrrrgh!

Silly things, Silly me..

Posted in love, thoughts on May 21, 2007 by anairam

Silly silly me… It is during times like this that i am hating myself. Promising to forget, ignoring and letting things pass, but still i end up going back to square one. And that is enjoying his company, craving for his attention and loving every second of it. It has been the nth time i’ve said to myself, enough is enough, stop thinking about him, he cares for you no more than a friend. And as have been my principle, to ignore, to repress myself is directly proportional to forgetting the feeling and having not to care for him anymore at all. But this tactic isn’t just working well. It has been, the more i ignore and repress, the more i am getting fonder and fonder of him.

Why him? Do i have any choice?

Silly things.. Brace yourself as i:

– cried approximately 4 out of 7 nights a week thinking of excuses and getting him away in my thoughts.. (that was last week not this week)

– stopped texting him and ended up stopped texting everybody else..

– i have pushed myself to my loner limits just to keep myself from being with his company, as we are pretty close.. before that is (but this just keeps me longing more)

– believe it or not (i can’t believe either i did this myself, and i consider it really really silly).. i happen not to attend 2 consecutive review session just to keep him off my sight (and hoping that by this he will miss me.. but i failed on this part).. and faking to be sick by the time i returned just to make some excuse of missing 2 class days. And i was on a mall somewhere out there. Reviewing on my own. Alone.

– diverting my attention towards being busy with any activity i have always dreamt of pursuing. Swimming. Swim lessons. Walkathon. Hiking. Climbing Mt. Everest. Auditioning on a singing contest. Practicing to be a band vocalist. Sauna. etc. etc. etc.

But today, i failed miserably on the main reason of why i did silly things: to forget. It is because kanina, we were seatmates. Sitting pretty close to each other. He leaned by my side and lay his head on my shoulder 2 times i think wahaha. And he was squishing my biceps, (and i was pinching his arm, just like the old times) and was telling me he missed me.. He did?! Nah. I think he just said as i told him on one of our texts that i am on silent mode nowadays because it is my goal to be missed. Talk about telling you what he thinks he wanted you to hear. Well it is effective in a way as i’ve noticed i’ve been happier from the time the review ended until i got home and up to now. Still its not the way i want it to be? What’s the way i want things to be? For now, i don’t know either.

Things silly-crazy enough for you? Good.

This girl’s got issues

Posted in me time, thoughts on May 21, 2007 by anairam

well? we all do. but here goes mine..

  • “tantrums”, “baby”, “sensitive”, “pikon”, “walk-out girl”. That’s how friends describe me alright. How i react? I don’t. That’s me. Deal with it. However, sometimes, its just hard to do things when tagged as those. Like how am i to react with jokes and how to act in certain situations. Well that’s it. I’ll act it through. I know i can’t change their perception about me that easy. But i know i can limit myself to be too much of all those things i am tagged with. And one things for sure, i can’t and i won’t change abruptly for any matter. People just have to accept me for who i am, and i know myself and i am renovating for my betterment and not for anybody’s good.
  • Loner. I am probably starting to be one. Maybe because i love being alone. But i don’t mind sharing things with someone. I’d love that. I’d really really really love that. Sadly nobody at present is willing to be that one. Or maybe i am just too choosy.
  • Lots of insecurities. Chubby. Way overweight. Trying to lose weight but never did succeed. Got lots of sexy friends. Sexy friends with boyfriends. Haha. It’s a good thing i am kind of optimistic. Think of good things. Flaunt your best assets. Be your own bestfriend. I am my own. ^_^
  • Trouble of expression. Well that’s why i am here. To learn to express myself more via writing, typing, blogging. Maybe i should exercise this in real life. But i am not that assertive. Actually i am totally not assertive. And people, well friends tend to overpower me with their opinions, their voices, their tones. But in the real world things are just like that. Maybe i really need to exercise my power a little bit more. I mean more really. haha

Well, that’s all i can think of as of now. I’ve shared mine, care to share yours?

Blogging

Posted in thoughts, Uncategorized on May 21, 2007 by anairam

Approximately a year from now, i really had no idea what a blog is all about. That an online diary such as this exist. But then friendster comes along with the blog thingies where everybody was hooked up to. And here goes the curious little me, reading other blogs, got interested and had the idea of creating one myself. And i did..

So i started posting things. First was about my block and how i will miss school when i get to internship and the second was about my favorite anime turned live action series- SailorMoon. I was so excited then and was hoping for somebody to comment on it. But sadly nobody did. And so my next posts after that were the lyrics of my favorite songs. Or the songs i can relate to at that certain moment. Song lyrics that descibed my feelings at that moments of my life. January of this year, i posted a survey with my answers to it. The next few months thereafter, i posted something about my dream, a dream so special to me at that moment. But a month after, I deleted it.

So where am i getting at?

Just now i just wondered, is anybody really reading these stuffs? Because back then, i was excited to see if somebody would comment on anything that i will post (not that i will ever know or will ever count the number of people that will view my blog). But nobody did and i was disappointed. I started to post music lyrics just to hide my true feelings and instead looked for a song that could describe it all. And i tell you it was hard looking for one that could really describe it all and it is hard to post and look for a way for your post to still be as anonymous as it could be. I posted and shared my dream and deleted it afterwards. So silly of me. Why? Probably because i was afraid of other people’s reaction and was not ready for the world to ever see my feelings and start to judge me (as if i am that popular that my friends at friendster would ever care reading my blog..) hehe. But well that is afterall friendster, where my profile is really public and people around there are people who really knew me in person. So whether i like it or not, anybody i knew could view my blog there and well judge me with my writings..

But those days are over because i am here now.. and because now, i want to think aloud, without a big risk of anybody ever knowing this is me.. hehe.. and maybe because i want an outlet of myself.. to be able to share, react, comment, express, confide; which, on the real world, i am not able to do so much. Why so? Because i chose to. And because i think i don’t have anybody around to be able to share big things with. Either they’re unavailable or i am just afraid, really afraid of being misunderstood..

But here, where nobody knows me (well except for my one friend who inspired me in doing this) , i can be who i want to be even for that certain moment only. I can express the fluctuation of emotions i am feeling from time to time. I can be silly, freaky, crazy, bitchy and animated and nobody would ever care.. wahaha..

And now that i’ve warmed up, it’s time to start this.. woohoo..

p.s. i never realized i could be this fluent.. haha.. i have the feeling i’m going to love this.. and i’m so ‘madaldal na’