Don’t fall again.. no more..

“Just when I thought I was over you…”

“It’s over and done, but the heartache lives on inside.. yeah, yeah..”

No, I didn’t came from a recently concluded official relationship, I was just reminiscing again on some moments with someone special; having my heart broken over some uncompensated affection. You are about to read the musings of a confused-agitated single-since-birth lady who had had her share of heartaches (minus the person causing it even knowing the deed/damaged done). And so if you don’t like the sound of the first two sentences, please, I advice you not to read any further. But if you are just sympathetic enough to stay, you may do so and please say hi.

How come some people are just so insensitive? And while there are others who are still conservative? Connection? Just a thought: I think it’s not a good combination. It just doesn’t work. See, for a conservative person who just sit and wait, it is relatively hopeless to reveal it’s true feelings unless provoked; and rather very much difficult to be recognized most specially if you give your conservative feelings to someone who is so insensitive. It is problematic and in the end, you will just end up making a big deal of your feelings unreciprocated with the other end not even knowing your sufferings from within. (Just so to properly define things– I am the conservative here) I hate it because it happens to me all the time. Falling and falling only to find out he is nowhere there to catch you. Sometimes I just feel like doing something wild and crazy for a change. Drinking won’t suffice, smoking and addicting is a no-no (too much), maybe littering in a no littering zone would do the deed. Or maybe stepping for 10 seconds in a “Keep off the grass” zone. I don’t know how to do it. I had considered telling him directly how I felt. There are lots of times when I was willing to be bold and brave and do something crazy and tell it straight to his face that I loved him, but being the insensitive person that he is, sometimes he can be a real jerk, proving to me that he isn’t worthy of my embarrasment. I thought I got over this like 2 months ago but now I know it isn’t that easy. Most especially if you’re dealing with the insensitive. Define insensitive. It is this someone who makes all the right moves, giving off all the proper signals, stimulating your heart but he doesn’t mean any of it. Not that he’s a bad person, he just wasn’t aware that he is giving off too much. Too much for you too think that it is crossing the boundaries of friendship and love. Now I am being scientific over these things.

Cases: How can you not fall when…

… … he was looking so gorgeous after the longest time you never saw and talked to each other, then he comes up to you, decides to sit beside you in an hour mass, tells you he misses you so much, hugs you firmly for like 4x for that hour alone, held your hand firmly once, hold your hand during the Our Father (and you swear you felt his hand slightly trembling that moment).

—> And so in order not to fall, don’t over analyze things, sitting beside you was being there for a change in seatmates, hugging you firmly 4x in an hour was just a way of showing how much he misses you — as a FRIEND, and the trembling of the hands may signify he has a rather weak or poor endurance of his upper extremities in an anti-gravity position.

… … walking with you with his arms curled up around yours maybe for like 6-7 times the whole time you were with your bunch of friends.

—> But then again that’s his nature.

… … suddenly hugging you from behind halfway and althroughout your journey down to the escalator while singing “how can something so wrong feel so right all along, catch me, I’m falling for you…”

—> Maybe he just missed you again!

But then remembering one guy friend’s statement, “you girls should not expect that there is someting unless clearly stated verbally by the guys”. And after reading this line from a book, “girls should really wait for guys’ first move because if they are really interested, they will do something no matter what the circumstances may be” (paraphrased by me). Knowing all those things, therefore I should know better and should not fall again.

And afterall, he never texted after that day till now. What? It’s been like a day? And he didn’t even bother leaving a comment or even a hi on friendster, when he managed to do so to some of our super common friends. And to think he didn’t even tried giving me a serious testimonial after 5 years of friendship when he was able to spend time doing it for other people. Nah. Hopeless case. Stop falling and start moving on. For real.